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Collage Vision Boards

Friday, September 26, 2008

In certain self-actualization circles, vision boards have been all the rage for a while, and stories abound documenting their effectiveness. Take or leave the hype, but the concept can be tailored to whatever suits. For instance, for my own pleasure and delight, I started a series of collages a while back that depict, in detail, places in which I’d like to live, interiors and exteriors of homes I’d love to occupy. I refer to them as Homing Collages. They’re just for me, and I invest so much devotion and longing and exploration into them that by the time I put one into a clip frame and hang it on my wall, it’s so familiar that gazing at it is like going home.

I started out making these collages as visions to relax into, rather than as vision boards (I didn’t know what a vision board was when I started making them). Nevertheless, the bedroom in our home bears a striking resemblance to a Homing Collage made years ago called Red Study, a warm environment of golden wood, shades of red, and exotic accents.

Lately, when I need a calming respite, I’ll stand in front of the Playtime Homing Collage which depicts a golden room filled with slanting light, board games waiting to be started, other rooms beckoning just beyond sight, and a fat puppy sloshed into a stuffed chair, sleeping. I’ll stand there for ten minutes, occupying that room in my imagination, and after a while I’ll feel my breath slow and my shoulders relax.

Whether you explore this idea as a vision board or as an easy way to trigger joy and relaxation, the process itself is fun. You’ll need magazines (old copies can often be found in thrift stores or at library sales, or even at the hair salon when they’re finished with the current batch), a glue stick (Uhu is the brand I often use) or the heavenly Rollataq hand applicator (scroll down to see it), a backing board, and scissors and/or an X-acto knife (after years and years of making collages, I find that a good, sharp pair of scissors cuts me through even the most intricate extractions). If you use an X-acto knife, a self-healing cutting mat can also be a boon – they’re often available at art stores (as are Rollataq applicators).

I tend to begin with music I love on the stereo and a stack of magazines, which I browse through, tearing out any elements that attract me (firmly bypassing my mental editor), then starting in with the cutting after I have a sense of a theme. The bigger background areas can be glued into place first, allowing the furniture and embellishments to be fitted more easily. Have fun. If you try it, I’d love to know how it goes.

Collage by Grace Kerina: Paradise Bedroom Homing Collage.

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Play Anyway

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?”

~ Satchel Paige

Play anyway. Play even if no one approves. Create without purpose. Experiment. Make mistakes. Make nonsense. Make more mistakes. Forget finesse. Lose track of time. Delve. Turn off the editor. Play hooky. Become one with something larger. Jettison pretence. Discover. Forego the expected. Follow curiosity. Gaze past the toes curled over the edge of the diving board. Wing it. Judge not. Invent the uninventable. Ring a friend’s doorbell and ask them to come out and play, right now, while the light from the setting sun is so beautiful. Engage deeply. Frolic with abandon. Turn the clock toward the wall. Shrug off the armour. Wiggle the toes. Drool. Dirty the hands. Be sloppy. Make so many mistakes new realms hove into view. Pursue passions with tenacity. Disregard the fine points in favour of the feeling. Waste time. Hang the jaw in a stupor. Daydream until the cows come home. Engage the senses. Embrace irreverence. Indulge. Shed. Woolgather. Dig. Fling. Guess. Jump.

Why?

Joy. Connection. Power beyond the merely mortal.

How?

Practice.

“Work? Give me a break, I was just there yesterday.”

~ Anonymous

“I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.”

~ Steven Wright

Play aid: The Joy of Not Working, by Ernie J. Zelinski

Photo by Ingeborg Mundhenk

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Good News

Monday, September 22, 2008

“Humans were never designed to act as receiver sets for the bad news from around the entire planet.”

~ Christiane Northrup

Like other highly sensitive people I know, I’ve never been able to listen to or watch regular news broadcasts because they generally focus on what’s wrong, or awful, or tragic at the moment. Rather than waiting around to feel my body tense up and go on yellow alert, I walk away, relying on my husband to tell me what I need to know, if I need to know it.

I’ve often wished I could tune in to a purely good-news source of information about what’s happening in the world, to be refreshed and encouraged, to feel my body relax more, knowing there are great, hopeful things happening around the world. Thankfully, I’m not the only person who’s wanted this. The following links lead to sites focused on good news:

If you know of other sources of general news slanted toward the positive, particularly ones you’ve tried and like, it’d be great if you’d let us all know via a comment. Thank you.

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The Link Between Mess and Abundance

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Have you ever had the experience of finally tackling a long-overdue clean-up project – like updating your filing system or giving the garage a thorough shakedown – and afterward noticing a greater measure of bounty coming into your life? Apparently, nature does abhor a vacuum, and creating orderly space, whether of the inner or outer kind, can trigger a greater measure of prosperity. I’ve experienced this personally many times, to the point where if my life feels unpleasantly stuck, I’ll pick a clean-up project to tackle. I’ve found that the project doesn’t even need to be related to the topic I feel stuck about. Merely cleaning up something seems to open doors.

“The word ‘clutter’ derives from the Middle English word ‘clotter,’ which means to coagulate – and that’s about as stuck as you can get.”

~ Karen Kingston

The best practical advice I’ve found about tackling messes and freeing up the energy they hold is Karen Kingston’s Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui. You don’t need to have any interest in Feng Shui to find this book useful. Karen is easy to like, and her great experience in the realm of cleaning up messes provides reassurance and motivation for the reluctant or overwhelmed.

“After 20 years of mentoring so many clients, I have noticed a significant correlation: Wealthy people tend to be orderly, while those who struggle have lots of messes. At first I thought that wealthy people just hire others to clean their messes. Upon closer scrutiny (and after looking into my own life), I realized that it is the ones who first clean their messes who then become wealthy.

“In fact, the deepest wisdom I have come to know concerns the close relationship between wealth and messes. It is encapsulated in this one brief sentence: Each mess is a lock on the gate that keeps abundance out.”

~ Raymond Aaron, Double Your Income Doing What You Love

Raymond Aaron’s book is bristling with forms and strategies (and a few too many distracting trademark symbols and cute acronyms for my taste, but the underlying system is worth the wade). He writes about streamlining the process of getting from here to doing what you love the most, providing lots of tools and including advice about how to clean up messes. The messes he refers to in the quoted passage above are not only of the physical variety. He includes relationship messes of any kind.

A silly but effective test to see if there are relationship messes that need to be cleaned up is what my friend Ed calls the Thriftway Test. Ed’s a therapist who lives on a small island, one with a population small enough that it’s tough to go anywhere without seeing someone you know. The island is big enough to have a big grocery, the Thriftway. After Ed told me about this test I used it all the time (I lived on the island, too), and was amazed at its blunt effectiveness. It’s simply this: If you find yourself going down a different aisle at the Thriftway in order to avoid running into someone, you’ve got a problem. Clean it up.

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Self-Care Basics

Monday, September 15, 2008

Years ago, a close friend of mine involved in a 12-step program told me about one of their handy tools for tuning in and staying grounded. Easy to remember because of its acronymn, the tool is referred to as H.A.L.T., which stands for hungry, angry, lonely, tired. The idea is that if one is any of those things, then HALT, just stop and take care of the hunger, anger, loneliness, and/or tiredness first, before trying to do anything else. I’ve used this tool for a long time now, long enough that it’s embedded into my early warning system and comes flying up into my consciousness when I start feeling that things aren’t going well. Invariably, addressing what’s out of balance on the H.A.L.T. list helps, even if only enough to provide more thinking and processing room to solve whatever the bigger issue is.

The H.A.L.T. tool fits in well with the saying “First things first.” It’s tough to move forward on the big things when the little things aren’t stabilized, when the footing is iffy. Taking the time to put first things first, like eating when hungry, or peeing before racing out the door, or even calling ahead to make sure the store is open this late, can actually bring the bigger things closer sooner by diminishing overwhelm and unnecessary activity.

Doing enough of this kind of foundational checking in and aligning creates habit. And as the habit of basic self-care becomes stronger, everything tends to become easier. When the little things no longer make the big things go off track, the foundation stabilizes and positive change on a grander scale has the opportunity to arrive sooner.

Think of it as a mantra: HALT. First things first.

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Dawna Jones Leads Me on a Linkfest

Friday, September 12, 2008

I hit the jackpot recently through the discovery of Dawna Jones and the various captivating pies she has her fingers in.

The first thing I looked at was her blog, Evolutionary Provocateur (“Provoking the emergence of spiritual intelligence, self and organizational self-knowledge … so people can take their whole selves to work”). Her September 9th blog post, “Intuition Demystified,” explores scientific findings about intuition. I followed a link from it to an interview she did with Dr. Rollin McCraty of the Institute of HeartMath. The interview, “Intuition: Mystical power or powerful tool?” had me listening with my mouth hanging open much of the time. I was fascinated by Dr. McCraty and the Institute’s findings about documented connections between feelings and thoughts, between the heart and the mind, between people, and between now and the future. For instance, the heart has been shown to be the first part of the body to be aware of “pre-conscious events” (a.k.a., the future). In one study, the heart’s pre-conscious reaction occurred about six seconds before the event itself.

Dawna Jones’ interview with Dr. McCraty is available through a website called Management-Issues (“The heart of a changing workplace”), a British site that’s packed with information about healthy work, including links to the Workplace Bullying network of websites, one of which is the Workplace Bullying Institute. If you’re being bullied at work, you’ll find support and practical suggestions at these sites. Although I’m not bullied at work and haven’t explored the bullying sites extensively, the information they provide appears to be useful. If any of you are being bullied at work and you do look into these websites, I’d love to know what you think of them.

Enough. Happy clicking.

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Sounding Off

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I’ve been known to take extra sets of earplugs to outdoor concerts and pass them out to the parents of children who are obviously cringing from the overwhelming noise. It’s tricky, finding the right balance of pointing out the child’s discomfort while not faulting parenting skills. My efforts in this regard are generally met with genuine gratitude, which, in turn, makes me grateful to the parents for their openness. As we part ways, I’m always left with a sense that the parents are asking themselves, “Why didn’t I think of that?” Although I wouldn’t say it out loud to them, one answer would be, “Because you don’t have enough highly sensitive friends.”

Snarky comments aside, the big picture is that reducing human-generated noise is not about making things more comfortable for highly sensitive people (HSPs), but about the health of our species. If non-HSP ears, like the ears of the parents of the children I give earplugs to, don’t hurt from the same sounds that hurt mine, it doesn’t mean their hearing is not being detrimentally affected. The early warning function that HSPs provide for our species is a vital service our culture can benefit from in many ways. The trick is to shift our focus on topics like noise past the issue of HSP comfort and into the realm of HSP service. Framing the issues positively helps, too. Rather than harping about reducing noise, we can remind people of the pleasures and benefits of a peaceful soundscape. There is human noise that doesn’t dominate, that’s friendly, that blends.

The gift of being a highly sensitive person comes with a responsibility to use it well. Speaking up and speaking out about troubles and solutions in our society is an important part of being an HSP. We may need to educate ourselves so we can speak out in greater comfort and with increasing effectiveness. We may need to get creative about how we speak out. The point is that even if we have to invent HSP-friendly ways to speak up, we need to learn to speak up.

I don’t know whether he’s an HSP or not, but Bernie Krause and his organization, Wild Sanctuary, are speaking up about peaceful levels of noise. Krause is a field recording scientist who’s been listening to and recording the world’s natural sounds for 40 years.

“Animals divide up the acoustic spectrum so they don’t interfere with one another’s voices. … ‘That’s part of how they coexist so well,’ Kraus says. When they issue mating calls or all-important warning cries, they aren’t masked by the noises of other animals.”

~ Clive Thompson, “Quiet Please!” Wired magazine, June 2008

The Wild Sanctuary website offers information about Bernie Krause’s research plus cool things like a Google Maps overlay of natural sound snippets from around the world. Wild Sanctuary accepts donations through their blog page.

“We are beginning to understand late in the game that unimpeded natural soundscapes are a resource critical to our enjoyment and awareness of the natural wild; and that without them, a fundamental piece of the fabric of life will be sadly compromised, perhaps forever. That is why it is important to attempt to hear and treat soundscapes differently – as important to our well-being and health as the preservation of pure fresh water, clean air, and non-polluted soil.”

~ Bernie Krause, “Loss of Natural Soundscapes Within the Americas,” from the Wild Sanctuary website

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Jenna Avery

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

“The only thing wrong with being sensitive is trying to pretend that you are not.”

~ Jenna Avery

Jenna Avery is a “Life Coach for Sensitive Souls.” Once upon a time, when her life was not going well, she took her high sensitivity in hand and went on a journey of discovery. What she learned along the way to her current successful life has become her Embrace Your Essential Self Home Study Program for highly sensitive people (HSPs). The program progresses through three phases, and a new Phase I is beginning quite soon, on September 19th.

On the web page for Avery’s Home Study Program she shares the story of her journey. I’ve been receiving her e-zine, The Art of Sensitive Living, and had thought of interviewing her, wanting to add her wisdom to Highly Sensitive Power’s collection of interviews with people I consider HSP role models, but now I don’t need to: her powerful story is already there to read.

Whether you decide to participate in Jenna Avery’s Home Study Program for HSPs or not, I hope you’ll check out her website and visit her program’s web page to read her inspiring and empowering story.

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Highly Sensitive Havens

Friday, September 5, 2008

Imagine arriving in an unfamiliar town. Everything around you is foreign. You’re disoriented by your long journey, thrown off balance by the suddenness of this trip you’ve not had time to plan ahead for, and your heart is beating faster than usual. What can you do?

You head straight to the local Highly Sensitive Haven. It’s tucked away on a quiet side street not far from where the action is. There’s a small, unobtrusive sign beside the gate in the stone wall to let you know you’re in the right place. The solid wood door is beautifully carved, and heavy as you push against it. The moment you step into the shaded courtyard, into the haven designed with you in mind, all your senses tell you that even though you don’t know anyone in town, even though you’ve never been here before, you’re home.

There are a few people scattered around the little tables in the dappled light. A couple of them glance up at you, but not for long. Most of the people are sitting alone, writing or reading. All of them are quiet, even the people talking and laughing. To the right is a beautiful old building with an open door. You head that way, your heavy luggage banging against your weary legs, but before you reach the doorway, a man comes out, smiling in welcome, and helps you take your bags inside. He introduces himself and directs you to a table with a comfortable chair into which you sink gratefully. He offers you water or tea or juice – perhaps a piece of fruit or something from the little café just to tide you over. When you’ve caught your breath, had a few sips, feel a bit restored, you catch his eye and he comes over to sit across the table from you. He asks about your trip, and as he listens attentively to what you want from your visit to this town you find yourself stopping to take a huge breath as you feel the lost bits of you that weren’t travelling as fast as the plane was begin to find you and start to make you whole again. You smile.

By the time you leave the haven, a couple of hours later, you’ve made arrangements to meet the nice couple (locals who work nearby, here as usual on their lunch break) who sat at the table next to you in the courtyard for dinner later, you’ve mapped out your first forays of exploration (and have the brochures and maps already tucked into your bag), you know the location of the health food store that’s nearest the place you’ll be staying (and its hours of operation), and you’re headed to a small hotel (only four rooms) run by a woman about your age who’s also highly sensitive. A taxi is waiting for you just outside the gate of the haven, called for you by the haven folks. You’ll thank them again when you’re back here tomorrow to hear the string quartet that plays every Thursday in the spacious library on the second floor. And you’ll be back for another dose of home.

It’s mid-afternoon when you emerge from the little hotel. The sun shines, the jet lag has been pushed back by the warm welcome and smooth transition. You’re safe. You’re among friends. You’re finally here, where you’ve dreamed of coming for years, with an afternoon all to yourself. You consult the map once more, then tuck it away in a pocket. Your strides as you step away from the stoop are bold and strong. It’s time to explore.

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Differentiation and Intimacy

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Differentiation is the process of holding on to one’s self while connecting with others. As a path to true intimacy differentiation is hard to beat. Which is not to say that the path is all shining sun and roses, but committing to being true to one’s self, particularly when there’s pressure not to, brings deep rewards.

I like to think of differentiation’s never-ending process as a way to grow myself. The process is never-ending because as we become closer to someone their opinion of us tends to matter more, which can make it tougher to displease them. What happens when being true to myself means that someone close to me, someone important to me, is displeased? Sometimes I have to choose between pleasing them and being true to myself. When I choose myself and also allow our differentness, even if that means weathering pressure, discomfort, or anger, I differentiate. And that makes intimacy more likely, as paradoxical as it may seem. The only intimacy that comes close to satisfying is intimacy in which I am being truly myself. When I ask myself, “What do I need to do, or what beliefs or expectations do I need to adjust, in order to remain true to myself in this situation?” I often am forced to grow. This is a good thing.

Differentiation takes courage. It’s never finished. It’s not about shoving one’s viewpoint out into the world or into the face of someone beloved. It’s all about the relationship between me and me. It’s about acknowledging to myself the truth about myself and then deciding what to do with that information. Maybe I’ll choose to keep this truth to myself for now and see how things develop. Maybe I’ll share. Maybe I’ll say nothing, but change the way I act. The key is that my compass remains inside me rather than outside of me. I hold my own course rather than giving my deciding-power over to someone else, however dear they may be to me. Differentiation is the inner process for creating a strong and flexible bond, a healthy and intimate connection, with someone out there.

The three best teachers of differentiation I know of are Susan Page, David Schnarch, and Esther and Jerry Hicks (with Abraham).

David Schnarch’s book Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships covers a lot of ground, but the linchpin concept of the book is differentiation (see Chapter 2, “Differentiation: Developing a Self-in-Relation”).

“Giving up your individuality to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving up your relationship to maintain your individuality. Either way, you end up being less of a person with less of a relationship.

“Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course when lovers, friends, and family pressure you to agree and conform. Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they’re losing themselves, and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered. They can stay connected with people who disagree with them and still know who they are. They don’t have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self.”

~ David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage

In her book Why Talking Is Not Enough, Susan Page provides guidelines for using close relationships as spiritual practice (defining spirituality generally), with the emphasis on taking responsibility for making positive changes, rather than requiring or waiting for the other person’s participation. Although the term “differentiation” doesn’t star in her book the way it does in Schnarch’s, that’s what Page’s teachings are all about.

The subtitle of Page’s book is Eight Loving Actions that Will Transform Your Marriage (and keep in mind that these tools are useful in any close relationship, from parent-child to best friend). The Eight Loving Actions are:

“Adopt a spirit of good will
Give up problem solving
Act as if
Practice restraint
Balance giving and taking
Act on your own
Practice acceptance
Practice compassion”

~ Susan Page, Why Talking Is Not Enough

Finally, and more comprehensively, any of the publications by Esther and Jerry Hicks (and Abraham) are all about differentiating, including the books The Astonishing Power of Emotions: Let Your Feelings Be Your Guide and Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires.

“When your life is intertwined with another, you often feel that you need to agree on everything and ‘pull together,’ so to speak, on the things that you are creating, but we want you to understand that you do not need another to ‘pull’ with you because the Stream of creation contains all the ‘pulling’ power that is necessary. However, you cannot pull against yourself and get to where you want to be.”

~ Esther and Jerry Hicks, The Astonishing Power of Emotions

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Interview | Nan

Friday, August 29, 2008

Nan is my mother. She’s also highly sensitive, but she raised me in a time before the term or trait of high sensitivity had been popularized. We had a conversation about my childhood – what it was like to be highly sensitive with each other in the days before the current knowledge and tools about highly sensitive people (HSPs) were readily available.

GRACE

What was it like having a baby with a head the size of a watermelon? I mean, what was it like having a highly sensitive child?

NAN

I didn’t think of you as highly sensitive. The term I would have used back then would have been “independent.” I used to joke about the fact that you were born screaming. After I knew more about you, I figured you’d been complaining about your lack of control over the induced labour because you’d have prefered to have chosen the date of your birth for yourself.

The next thing that really made me aware of what I called your “independence” was the ongoing ordeal with socks, which started when you were about two. We had to put them on and take them off about four or five times every time you got dressed because the bump at the toe always bugged you and I had to keep readjusting them until it didn’t bug you.

GRACE

What if you’d said, “Never mind. Let’s go.”?

NAN

You’d yell and refuse to have your shoes put on. No negotiation. No make-do. It had to be your way or nothing.

And then there was the day of the dress. I was getting you ready to go to pre-school when you were four. I had one dress washed and ironed and in the closet, but you absolutely refused to wear it. I didn’t know why. While you were at school that day I washed and ironed all the dresses you owned, and from then on you could choose for yourself every day.

GRACE

Does knowing now about high sensitivity alter your view of early incidents like that?

NAN

Yes. It’s interesting to try and adjust those memories, basing the causes more on high sensitivity than thinking of it only as stubbornness and independence. You always had such strong opinions about what you liked and didn’t like (and you still do).

I remember telling my own mother once (and I don’t remember how old you were at the time) that you were so independent but that I couldn’t imagine where you’d gotten it from. She looked at me, rolled her eyes, and said, “You don’t know?” Looking back, I think I must have been the only highly sensitive person in my whole large family. I can see how the strong needs and the hyper-awareness of highly sensitive children, like you and I both were, get interpreted as being so unique as to be weird.

GRACE

As challenging as it must have been sometimes, you handled things pretty well. Whatever you thought at the time was the cause of my “independence,” my memory is that you did things that helped me.

NAN

Well, I couldn’t think of what else to do. I didn’t know how to find socks that didn’t have bumps, so I kept on rearranging them until you were satisfied. It was probably a very good thing that you were stubborn since things like bumps in your socks mattered so much to you.

There were other things that stood out about you which I now think were part of your high sensitivity, like your creativity. I was always delighted about that.

GRACE

You were always quite creative yourself [as an aside, Nan graduated at the top of her class in May from a two-year production weaving course – at the age of 73]. I completely loved all the art classes you found for me, through public parks or wherever. They can’t have cost much because we didn’t have much money, but you found a way and those experiences provided me with so much pure bliss. I totally loved them. Thank you for that.

And thanks for the library experiences, too. My memory is that every time we moved to a new town [which was often] one of the first things you’d do was take me and David [my brother] to the library to get us all library cards. And there were never any limits about the library. We were never, ever told we couldn’t check something out, and you never put limits on how much we could check out. I remember leaving libraries all across the southern United States with stacks of books up to my chin, giddy with the bounty.

Also, you’d often offer interesting, creative suggestions whenever I’d tell you I was bored. You’d say things like, “Go read the dictionary,” or, “Write a poem in your mind – that’s what I do.” [Mom’s graduation project from the production weaving course involved weaving her poetry.]

NAN

Thank you, Sweetie. But you’re forgetting the teenage years, when I cowered in my room.

GRACE

Right. But remember that I didn’t know what was going on then either. I only knew that so many things felt so wrong, and it all made me feel very angry. I had no idea how to get a grip on things, on myself.

NAN

I know. Neither did I. And I wasn’t in the most healthy of places then either. Most of the time it was dreadful, but along the way I figured out that things were easier when I didn’t try to argue with you. It was easier to simply let you do what you wanted to do.

For instance, when you were in high school I used to wake you up in the mornings, but you’d be so upset with me that I decided I wasn’t going to do it anymore and bought an alarm clock for you. It was a simple solution, but it made my mornings much more enjoyable! Now, knowing about HSPs, I suspect you desperately needed sleep to stay grounded or balanced, and when you hadn’t gotten enough you woke up cranky.

Another interesting thing was that you’d sometimes announce in the morning on a school day that you needed to go back to bed. At some point I realized that if I made you go to school on one of those days, you’d get sick, but if I let you stay home and rest, you’d be ready to go back to school the next day. You seemed to know when your body needed to rest, and you didn’t abuse the option to stay home.

GRACE

Seriously, I can’t thank you enough for those things. They really made a difference.

NAN

Well, if I’d known then about high sensitivity and if I’d had any resources about it to call upon, it would have been easier to know how to be your mom.

Although maybe there were some things I was doing right … I just thought of something else. Do you remember when we lived in Hawaii, in that duplex? You and David had found a tree branch that you really liked. You asked me for help with making it stand up, and I gave you a jar you could put rocks in so it would be heavy enough to support the branch. You put it on the stoop between the two doors of the duplex and had a great time decorating it. I was inside the house, but I could hear you through the screen door. At some point our new neighbour came out of the other side of the duplex. She must have seen your branch then because she said in a scornful voice, “What in the world is this?” I knew you well enough to picture you pulling yourself up to your full second-grade height and looking the woman right in the eye as I heard you say very clearly and firmly, “My mother says it’s interesting.”

GRACE

What a great thing it was to grow up with a champion (well, with two champions, since Dad was no slouch in that department, either). Now that you know about the trait of high sensitivity, what advice would you give to yourself back then and to other parents who are raising HSP kids now?

NAN

The biggest and most important advice would be to listen to your HSP children. If, as a parent, you know about high sensitivity, you definitely have a big advantage because you know to listen when an HSP child says they’re too hot or too cold or whatever. You know that the child is probably not just being irritating. If you’re not highly sensitive yourselves, you ought to read all you can about the trait so you can better understand it. But the primary thing is to trust your highly sensitive children when they tell you about themselves.

GRACE

Is there anything you’d like to add?

NAN

I sometimes still feel like a kid myself when I’m surrounded by adults and I’m having an HSP need that I’m having trouble getting met. It’s frustrating to tell people that the light is too bright for me so I need to turn it off, or that I need the background music to be turned off so I can hear what people are saying, and to get a response that clearly shows they don’t believe it should be a problem. They may go along with the adjustment I need if they like me well enough, but I’m amazed I need to say the same things every single time. It’s frustrating.

So, I’m glad to have this conversation with you, Grace, to add my one voice, however soft, to the growing awareness about highly sensitive people, in the hopes that more education will continue to result in more tolerance and understanding for us all.

GRACE

Thanks, Mom. I love you.

NAN

You’re welcome, Sweetie. I love you, too.

Nan shares three of her favourite books:

The Trouble with Poetry: And Other Poems, by Billy Collins. His poems are simple, accessible, and moving.

Findus and Pettson children’s books, by Sven Nordqvist, like Pancakes for Findus. I love the illustrations, with all the secret and strange things to be found in them, and the relationship between the old man, Pettson, and the feisty cat, Findus, makes me happy.

Bad Cat: 244 Not-So-Pretty Kitties And Cats Gone Bad, by Jim Edgar. This book’s ability to make me laugh is off the charts.

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Book | Air Guitar

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

“Dave Hickey’s prose transports are like an eye attached to a butterfly attached to a rocketship…”

~ Lawrence Weschler

Dave Hickey‘s résumé is impressive. He’s written for Harper’s Magazine, Rolling Stone, and Artforum, plus many other publications. He’s been the Executive Editor of Art in America magazine. He’s owned and directed an art gallery. He’s written and performed rock songs. I could go on (and on), but I won’t, because my point doesn’t have to do with Hickey’s former or current job titles. The single salient point, the riveting thing, is Hickey’s ability to think in a way that’s both deep and sideways, and to write about his thoughts with gripping flair.

Hickey’s Air Guitar: Essays on Art & Democracy is a compilation of essays about artistic culture, with a large dose of memoir. But this is memoir of a unique order, simultaneously cool (as in neat-o), warm (as in open and vulnerable), and intellectual. The topics covered in Hickey’s essays range from Cézanne, and Flaubert, through jazz, Andy Warhol, Norman Rockwell, and the Rolling Stones, all the way to Perry Mason, Siegfried and Roy, and Liberace, with oodles more in between. And all the while, the last sentence read begs to be reread in order to dally a while longer in the company of Hickey’s language and large heart.

From the book’s introductory essay:

“We need so many love songs because the imperative rituals of flirtation, courtship, and mate selection that are required to guarantee the perpetuation of the species and the maintenance of social order – that are hardwired in mammals and socially proscribed in traditional cultures – are up for grabs in mercantile democracies. These things need to be done, but we don’t know how to do them, and, being free citizens, we won’t be told how to do them. Out of necessity, we create the institution of love songs. We saturate our society with a burgeoning, ever-changing proliferation of romantic options, a cornucopia of choices, a panoply of occasions through which these imperative functions may be facilitated. It is a market, of course, a job and a business, but it is also a critical instrumentality in civil society. We cannot do without it. Because it’s hard to find someone you love, who loves you – but you can begin, at least, by finding someone who loves your love song. And that, I realized…is what I do: I write love songs for people who live in a democracy. Some of them follow.”

~ Dave Hickey, Air Guitar, “Unbreak My Heart, An Overture”

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HSP Gatherings

Monday, August 25, 2008

One way to gain confidence and connect with people who are likely to understand you more readily than the general population is to attend a gathering of highly sensitive people (HSPs).

The blog HSP Notes is written by a man name Peter. In his post “Connecting HSPs” (scroll down to read the post) he writes about the paradox of trying to connect socially cautious HSPs and highly recommends HSP get-togethers as a solution. He’s attended quite a few and found them to be very rewarding for himself and for other HSPs he knows. In fact, Peter’s been instrumental in starting a variety of HSP groups. For more of his thoughtful enthusiasm, see his blog (and his sidebar, a treasure trove of useful links).

“HSPs – in groups – are very ‘organic.’ What I mean by that, is that you can put 20 HSPs together, and they will have much more in common than merely being sensitive. In contrast, put 20 vintage car enthusiasts, or 20 people affiliated with a political party together, and odds are they’ll only have marginally more commonalities than any random group of people. It’s this organic nature of HSPs as peers that makes it so important for them to connect.”

~ Peter, “Reflections on the California HSP Gathering“

For further gatherings enthusiasm, see Marcia Norris’s article “Why HSPs Need to Gather” (from the August 2001 issue of Elaine Aron’s Comfort Zone newsletter).

Information about upcoming gatherings can be found on Jacquelyn Strickland’s HSP Gatherings page on her LifeWorks website. If you scroll down the Gatherings page, you’ll see photos and links to agenda details from past gatherings – useful for getting sneak peeks of the kinds of activities to be expected.

What do you think? Does the idea of attending an HSP gathering appeal, but simultaneously give you the heebie-jeebies? Well, then, let your curiosity take you by the hand and lead you. Explore possibilities. Go with a pal. Use some vacation time. Figure out how to make it happen. Take a chance. Find your people.

“What is a Community? The Latin word munus means ‘gift,’ as in ‘giving of one’s self to others.’ The word munere refers to something prized, precious, and worth defending. Whenever people develop an attitude of caring for the wellbeing of the whole, community is present….

“Whatever drives people to cooperate and collaborate in the first place is not quite as important as what makes them continue to associate. Resilient connections create viable and sustainable communities. Communities that succeed in making these connections tend to attract the attention of less-connected individuals, who may seek to join and add their resources, energy, and values.”

~ Albert Bates, The Post-Petroleum Survival Guide and Cookbook, from New Society Publishers

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Interview | Barbara Brady

Friday, August 22, 2008

Barbara Brady is a Life Coach and Intercultural Trainer who works with clients in person, by phone, and via the Internet. She focuses on supporting people through transitions – from making healthy relationship or career changes, to moving to a location that suits them, to navigating through expatriation or repatriation. She’s also written a book on the topic of transitions – Make the Right Move Now: Your Personal Relocation Guide.

When did you discover that you are a highly sensitive person (HSP)?

I’ve known ever since I can remember. As a child, I always felt things deeply and would cry when watching AT&T or Hallmark commercials and the TV show Lassie. I remember being sensitive to noise and found it hard to sleep if it was noisy. One defining moment was when my third grade teacher wrote on my report card something to the effect of me being “too serious at such a young age” and “sensitive.” Ironically, I believe my third-grade teacher was also highly sensitive!

What is the most wonderful thing for you about being highly sensitive?

It’s made me sensitive to the feelings of others and empathetic and compassionate. I can really feel what someone else is feeling. I also feel a deep appreciation for the little things that others might not notice – various food flavours and nuances in music, for example.

Does being an HSP help you in your work? If so, how?

Yes, in my work as a Life Coach and Intercultural Trainer I think being highly sensitive helps me intuit more easily what the client’s situation is and what they need.

What words of encouragement would you most like to give other HSPs?

Every trait has positives and negatives. The gift in being highly sensitive is that you can notice, appreciate, and feel more. I would suggest honouring your high sensitivity with self-care based on what you know about yourself and what you need. At the same time, it’s important to venture out of your comfort zone by putting yourself in situations that may not be your preference, but from which you can learn and grow. Don’t use your high sensitivity as an excuse to not try new things. And find work where this trait is an asset.

What are three books that you consider favourites, that you really love?

That’s a challenging question, as I love so many!


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Book | Pattern Recognition

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

William Gibson is well-known for his science fiction writing, which I love, but my favourite book of his is a non-science fiction novel. Pattern Recognition‘s heroine, Cayce Pollard, is highly sensitive, and that plus Gibson’s mentally chewy writing has made me a happy re-reader of this novel.

Cayce Pollard is highly sensitive in a very particular way. Not only that, but she makes good money selling her sensitivity:

“Google Cayce and you will find ‘coolhunter,’ and if you look closely you may see it suggested that she is a ‘sensitive’ of some kind, a dowser in the world of global marketing.”

In all sorts of ways, Cayce endears. For those of us who are constantly fighting the fashion industry’s insistence on clothing tags that scratch and itch and generally get in the way to the point where we are as eager to cut off the label as we are the price tag once we get home, Cayce could be our champion. She takes fashion-provoked irritability to whole new levels:

“CPUs. Cayce Pollard Units. That’s what Damien calls the clothing she wears. CPUs are either black, white, or gray, and ideally seem to have come into this world without human intervention.

“What people take for relentless minimalism is a side effect of too much exposure to the reactor-cores of fashion. This has resulted in a remorseless paring-down of what she can and will wear. She is, literally, allergic to fashion. She can only tolerate things that could have been worn, to a general lack of comment, during any year between 1945 and 2000. She’s a design-free zone, a one-woman school of anti whose very austerity threatens to spawn its own cult.”

But that’s not all there is to Cayce. Using her particular sensitivities and following her curiosities, she gets into odd and dangerous trouble, gets out again, makes friends, and solves mysteries.

Thanks to William Gibson’s skillful creativity, Cayce has a lot to offer as a role model for living the truth, for being ourselves – all freaky little quirks included.

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