Claiming space and time for yourself can be a challenge, particularly if you require more space and time than other people in your life do. If others apply direct pressure in the form of interruptions and complaints, your challenge grows. If they don’t understand why you need space and time, your challenge grows. So get tough.
Giving up the space and time you need for yourself is not an option.
You may be so habituated to giving it up that it’s difficult to feel you deserve it, but you do. And you always have. Even if you’ve never in your life had enough space and time for yourself, you must claim it now.
You control your space and time. Period.
People who love you but don’t really understand your need for chunks of uninterrupted space and time don’t control your ability to get it. They don’t need to understand. If you wait until they understand before you get enough of what you need, you lose.
Tell them, “I’m going to rest for an hour,” then close the door, dim the lights, and quietly do whatever you want. Say you’re going out to run an errand and spend the whole time hunkered down in a quiet corner of the library. Tell them you’re going over to so-and-so’s house and, once there, take over the guest room for the afternoon, closing the door behind you.
Consider the idea that telling others only part of the truth actually makes everyone’s life easier. You must please yourself first or all is lost. Figure it out.
Explore easier living through subterfuge.
{ PEP TALKS deliver a bracing blast of Grace }
Flickr photo: Bed, by modomatic
Related reading: Pep Talk | Keel Over, Secret Spaces
3 Comments
I have always done this, but have always felt guilty about the “deception” and strange about “lying” to claim what is important to me. But simply stating that I need time to float around in my thoughts is incomprehensible to many other people, so I appreciate the term “subterfuge”. It’s more powerful than what I have been doing in that it implies that I choose not to divulge my planned activities (which I often cannot do anyway because even I don’t know – that’s part of the deal). Thanks.
Super duper fabulous advice! Yes!
And I love this: “Explore easier living through subterfuge.”
I finally realized that there are many social events that I am uncomfortable attending, so upon being invited to one of “those”, I have learned to widen my eyes, look rueful and say “Oh, I’m sorry, I already have plans for that day/night.” And it’s true: my plan is to *not* go to the event, to be home alone or doing something on my own. But have always felt a twinge of “oh dear I’m lying.” No more! Subterfuge is not lying. YEAH!!! Happy Dancing!
I’m so glad for your comments – I sometimes put out ideas that I’m not sure are shared, so I love knowing they are.
We’re generally eager to be honest and upstanding, so any hint of conscious white-truth-ing can make us squirm, I think. The “I already have plans” statement is fabulous, Jo. Also, I just remembered something I could’ve included in this article: the concept of telling others things on a “need to know” basis. Lots of times, others simply don’t “need to know” the why or the what about our activities. Plus, it makes me feel like a skilled spy to go the “need to know” route. Always a plus.
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